Welcome to the world-wide
family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy
many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help
ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarize
yourself with the following equipment descriptions,
operating instructions and maintenance requirements.
Body and interior specifications
Average length and diameter
3.5 x 1.25 inches
Average length and diameter (erect)
5.1 x 1.6 inches
Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect
Longest medically recorded erection
Amount of blood in erect penis
to 10 x normal
Average erections per night (while sleeping)
Average duration of each nocturnal erection
to 30 minutes
Estimated replacement value (good condition model)
Average length and width
1.4 x 1 inch
0.875 x 1.75 ounces
94.6 degrees Fahrenheit
Compartments within each
Average body's production
50,000 per minute/72 million per
day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)
Days to maturity
Number in ejaculate of average
200 to 600 million
Number of ejaculate of infertile
less than 50 million
Percentage of total ejaculate
3% - 5%
Average swimming speed
1 to 4
millimeters per minute
Average life span once mature
1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in
woman, 2 minutes on sheets
Average volume of ejaculate
0.5 to 1 teaspoon
calories per teaspoon
milligrams per teaspoon
Average number of ejaculatory spurts
Average interval of ejaculatory contractions
Farthest medically recorded ejaculation
to 13 ounces
to 8 ounces per 10 seconds
The key to your sexual
ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your
head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending
nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger
an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is
an electrical spark traveling
the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive
commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side
roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner
drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.
Hard starting or stalling
If your penis fails to
become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you
have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a
while. Just about every man experiences an occasional
erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If
you do it can develop into a psychological problem that
can require extensive systems analysis to remedy.
Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work
worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can
temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues,
ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs
can be injected directly into the penis, producing
longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within
moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system
that inserts a small pellet of erection producing
medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution
is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is
inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump
engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow
into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped
onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the
shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider
upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available
CAUTION! The following can
shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:-
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity,
exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard
DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE
The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that
is attached to the bladder. As the urine level
approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get
the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed
through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and,
according to most women, usually on to the floor next to
the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is
the Pubococcygeal (PC)
muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid
yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as
an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this
RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL
INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic
chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with
blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After
stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves
these chambers and the penis softens again. There is
usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a
few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment's
age) before another erection can occur. About half of
the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It
is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.
SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is
manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints
below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft,
fibrous organ behind each testicle called the
epididymis, where it
acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm
then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose
loops around and splices into the urethra just below the
bladder. When it's time to shift into sexual high gear,
sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and
adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission
fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which
gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent
urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled
from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular
The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal
body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's
why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight
underwear can depress sperm count and movement.
Never operate your penis while under the influence of
alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men
have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The
fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of
Your privates did not come
equipped with a spare tyre.
Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market
acquisition that will void the warranty if left in
place. It not only interferes with sexual performance
but also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally
deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at
the base of the penis. As the spare
tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually
engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35
extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked
atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary
cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.
To ensure a long, active
life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage
in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics
Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to
high sexual output during his formative years and a
similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to
40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked
by maintained sexuality.
Acceleration 0-60 mph
Independent testing shows
that it generally takes three to five minutes for the
flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once
sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least
doubles with age.
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick
surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or
complete loss of control.
Slamming on the brakes
whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful
condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in
the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual
excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the
arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of
an aching muscle.
In order to become
familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and
learn how it responds in different situations high speed
sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful.
According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of
British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the
North of England naturally). And contrary to popular
belief , it will not harm
your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good
practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with
the limits of control.
Engaging the choke
To postpone ejaculation
and extend love making, engage "the choke". This
technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis
just behind it's head prior
CAUTION! Any impact to the
area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt
its hydraulic function.
Your privates were
designed and developed for optimum performance and
efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels
cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins,
thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates
and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every
one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates
to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection
problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat
combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol
and high in fiber. Such
fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system
Body work/chassis considerations
Regular exercise gives the
body a deep healthful lustre
that lends protection improves performance and helps is
hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the
body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by
making you feel sexier. ABS - Your abdominal muscles
(abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse.
To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are
just like sit-ups except that you don't raise your body
up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands
crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight
inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to
your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.
One third of all penile
ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by
sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at
parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of
tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often
audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend
to happen where there is a lack of space, such as
between the steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect
yourself and your passenger always use turn signals
before changing positions.
It's highly recommended
that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for
activities that involve running, jumping and sudden
movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the
undercarriage to protect them from jarring.
Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence
because of the static electricity generated by man made
materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended.
Use only condoms from a
sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be careful of
fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or
puncture the material. Never open a condom package with
your teeth or on your partners
spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end
of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis
before penetration occurs. Use only water-based
lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms.
Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During
withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from
coming off. And use each condom only once.
Your privates are the
result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the
factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were
in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly
regular maintenance is required.
be done daily
It's especially important
for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash
around the head of the penis every day.
be done weekly (At least)
Sex is the best exercise
for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with
nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm
production, prostate health and overall good
performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider
revving your engine manually.
be checked monthly
After taking a warm bath
or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll
each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth
and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg
with out the shell. Compress it gently, searching for
any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the
Once your equipment
reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked
annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a
doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older
man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also
a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if
detected early. A complete yearly inspection should
include three things: A digital rectal exam (sorry mate
but we're talking finger here, not computer). A blood
test for prostate-specific antigens (psa),
an early warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to
create a visible image of the tissue.
Using your privates for anything other than their
intended purpose voids all warranties, written or
The frequency of
20-29 year olds = 4-5
30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
Shag nasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)
Automatic systems check
Each night, your privates
automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most
times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic
erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an
occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates
are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and
oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have
a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following
test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around
the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The
next morning, if the stamps are torn along the
perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in
Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test
again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.)
After urinating, apply
gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This
will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent
any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.
Checking under the bonnet
Your penis comes from the
factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly
protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this
foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic
via circumcision. This is usually performed for
religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic
hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet
does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or
susceptibility to mechanical failure.
Lubrication adding oil
For extra comfort and
performance during long drives or when operating your
penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to
relube. Brands such as K-Y
Jelly can be reactivated with a simple
sprits of water.
Disposing of used oil
discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment.
Flavored lubes leave a
sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing.
Most no flavored brands
wipe clean with a towel.
Your privates are exposed
to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and
vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be
more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim
and exposed under body , it's
important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt
and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check
that all drain holes are free from debris. After
washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before
parking in a confined space. If required you may polish
your privates immediately.
Minor ships and scratches
The skin of the penis and
testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small
cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap
and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.
If you get hit in the
testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth
and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the
pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the
icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical
assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.
The diagnoses outlined are
intended to serve only as guides to locate and
temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of
unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and
corrected by your doctor.
Penis seems small.
Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis.
Keep in mind that the average vagina is just three
to five inches long.
Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower
than the right one.
Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the
left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.
Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as
firm as they were.
This is common with older models. However,
exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet,
avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all
antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.
Ejaculation happens way to fast.
Try strengthening your PC muscle with
Kegel exercises. The PC
is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract
it now to familiarize yourself with the feeling.
What you just did was a Kegel.
Do 20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or in
the bath. Since it's the same muscle that contracts
for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more
control during sex.
Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it
Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In
fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur
at all, although an orgasm is experienced.
Pain in testicle.
Intermittent twinges are common,
and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is
no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds
gradually is usually caused by an infection or
inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or
- Customize your privates to
fit all your lifestyle needs
Enjoy worry-free motoring
by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens,
thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's
a safe quick (seven to ten minute),
effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of
ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional
snip or modern laser.
Preserve the raw beauty of
your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone,
manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible
for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your
erections. But production declines after age 50. Some
men, who have no physical problems but experience
flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone
supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin
patch or injection.
Gain valuable inches by
expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics
penis appear larger by
cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone.
Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks
larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under
the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement
procedure, which compromises the penile suspension
system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have
reported lack of stability and loss of control when
operating at high speeds.
For those who have grown
unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin
restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself
procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually
stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly
resembles a normal foreskin.
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.
If you have chronic
difficulty getting an erection and other impotence
treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe
penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically
placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for
intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic
implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods
that can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest
design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men
find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant
includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline
solution and a pump, all concealed within the body. For
an erection you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate